to the people who successfully jumped to their death

to the people who successfully jumped to their death
was all the pain eventually gone?

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Phnom Penh, April 2019
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Privileges Transfer and The Leftover of Colonialism

Back when I had recently arrived in Phnom Penh, I struck up a conversation with, what I was hoping, a potential new friend at the birthday party of a mutual friend. She was born and raised in Cambodia but had lived in the US for a bit. Our conversation went like this:

Her: So, what are you going to do in Cambodia.
Me: I guess I will try to find a job.
Her: Oh, do you even have any qualification?
Me: What do you mean? (I was a bit confused)
Her: Do you even have a degree? Did you to school? Like a formal education?
Me: (I start to feel uncomfortable), ummm… I guess, yeah…

Her: You know that I work with all of these people, right? (at that time we are in a bubble of white people who live in Phnom Penh) You know that I work with them, right? (she repeated herself) I have a qualification, I am qualified. I went to school in the US. I plan to get my master degree in the US. That would be easy for me. Anyway, what is your undergrad?

Me: communication, but my m... (she cut me)

Her: Ooooh, th…
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Mawar merah dalam keranda

Kerjaanku selain berak dan kencing adalah makan dan berfikir. Aku banyak berfikir soal kemungkinan-kemungkinan. Rupanya terlalu banyak berpikir adalah gejala tak terelakan bagi mereka yang memiliki persoalan kecemasan.

Aku juga berfikir soal doa-doa. Aku pernah kecewa dengan doa-doa. Merapal doa apapun, sebanyak apapun, bagaimanapun caranya, tak akan berguna untuk membuat ayah terjaga. Saat petinya tiba di jakarta, aku merapal doa, tak juga berandai-andai pada kemungkinan bertemu lebih awal, saat hangat masih ada. Kucium keningnya, dingin. 
Subuh itu aku terjaga, meronta. Siang sebelumnya aku telepon ibu. Saat itu aku mengatakan dengan bimbang akan segera pulang, tapi ibu bilang ayah membaik. Ayah sudah bisa berjalan-jalan keliling komplek perumahan, bahkan ikut mencoblos pada pemilu kali itu. Dia juga minta diajak ke tukang cukur. 
Ayah begitu taat pada negara. Bahkan pada hari akhir, hal terakhir yang dilakukan adalah menggunakan hak pilih dalam Pemilu. Dan aku, sebagai anak yang ti…
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