Showing posts from May, 2016

Where I do not exist, nor you

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I do not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.  -Pablo Neruda, Sonnet XVII Princess Deer pastel on paper

Tame Me

“I remembered the fox. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.”  ―  Antoine de Saint-Exupéry ,  The Little Prince "Tame Me" soft pastel on paper

True love waits

I'm not living, I'm just killing time Your tiny hands, your crazy-kitten smile Just don't leave Don't leave And true love waits In haunted attics And true love lives On lollipops and crisps PS. This version later became the version in the new album (which was released four days ago), with slight differences.

when my dad cheated

When I learned that my dad cheated on my mum, I probably got the worst heart break ever. I feel betrayed by the person I admire most. I’m the only child among my siblings who grew up with my dad around me. He was the one who showered me, feed me, took me to school, and helped me with my homework. He was the one who worry the most when I came home late, or when I was about to move out of town by myself. He was my first love, my role model, my guide. He was the one who I want to be when I grow up. He was a super human being. Thus, I could not forgive him, even after he passed away. That was when I realised that he was just a man. Just like any other man, he had lust, he made mistakes, and sometimes he was not the best version of himself. It was not easy for me to come to this understanding. I had to fight my own ego, I had to deconstruct the image of him that I build inside my head, and develop the more realistic one, the one fits the reality best. I had to accept that my da

Settle Down

She will have your nose so you know

you're making me sick, love

I can't erase it from my mind I just replay it, love, Think of it all of the time. But I don't want to imagine Words you spoke to her that night. Naked bodies look like porcelain, You both knew I'd be bleeding inside. --Daughter, Love-- "you're making me sick, love" pencil, marker, pastel on paper


You planted your eyes on my feet You told me to dig my heels deep The night wore the rain On her windowpane Drifted us to sleep

Tubuh saya tidak salah

Kekerasan seksual pertama yang saya hadapi adalah 18 tahun yang lalu, saat berusia 11 tahun, dan sedang mengenakan seragam putih-merah. Pagi hari saat berangkat sekolah, seorang laki-laki berlari mendekat, dan meremas payudara saya. Kejadian ini berulang, dan saat melapor kepada Ibu Guru, dia mengatakan: sudah, tidak usah terlalu dipikirkan. Saya diajarkan untuk diam. Kekerasan seksual kedua, sekitar 2 tahun kemudian. Saya baru pulang sekolah, mengenakan seragam putih-biru yang kebesaran, dan berkerudung. Seorang kernet bis kota meraba payudara saya saat saya hendak menyeberang jalan. Saya marah, tapi teman berkata: jangan bereaksi berlebihan. Saya diminta untuk menerima. Pada masa sekolah menengah atas dan perkuliahan, payudara sering dijadikan candaan. Kata mereka payudara saya terlalu menonjol, dan seronok. Kata mereka saya harus memakai baju yang tidak menonjolkan payudara. Kata mereka saya terlalu mengumbar dan mengundang. Saya diajarkan bahwa kesalahan ada pad