Self

An ex boy friend  wanted to meet me to have conversation and reminisce the moment that we shared together. For that time might be the last chance for us to meet within several years ahead. 

He came to told me that he finally realize why we were not belong to each other. He said we were simply not meant to be together, now he understand why the relationship didn't work, and won’t work. He said that I was right, he used to love the image of me in his head rather than me, myself. Having a particular expectation, then he tried to change me, which somehow work. So I changed, when I was in a relationship with him, according to him, I became something different than my former self.

“If I changed, means I became a different person, were I also became not myself? If I were not myself, who is me, and who is myself? Which one is considered as my real self?” I replied.

“Your current self is the real self of you. This kind of you, is yourself,” he answered.

That's not the answer which really answering the question. Then I wonder, what is actually the essence of oneself? Isn't one constantly changed? Then if one changed, will it means one is not oneself anymore?

In my case, I realize I changed a lot when I was with him. I reckon some were good and some others were bad. When I said bad, it didn't necessarily means that he gave a bad influence (because good and bad are debatable), rather than I become a person that I don’t want to be, become the personality that actually I dislike. But however, I still became those mix of my former self, plus the good influence and the bad influence, unconsciously. Thus I'd rather to call it experiencing than changing, why one-self should only grow by following one path, one track, if there are many ways we could try?

(Yes, I believe relationship could be that powerful. We exchange experiences and so many different kinds of emotions, learn about different way of thinking, negotiations, and distinguish the time to use the brain or the heart, or both. It’s an investment of time and energy.)

And, refer to him again, after all the changed, was I became somebody else but me? Was I not myself anymore?

Then, who is myself? What is the self? Is there a real self within, so—as my ex bf said—one could become not one-self anymore, let’s say fake-self? And if such real self is exist, is it something that given by the universe, or just another construction by the society? And is the self is just personality, identity, or could it be one nameless and unidentified object that no one understood?

And when the changed that told by my ex boyfriend occur to myself, did I become a domestication human, because I conform unconsciously? Or was I somehow in a false-self mode?

Sure there are some people who will try answer by referring to Maslow, Jung, Freud, Winnicott, or whoever they are.  But this is just some mumbling and rumbling about someone who is musing about self, let’s not put psychological theory all around, like not at all.

So then, when he thought that the relations changed me, is that necessary means that I was not myself? Or was I just become another form of myself?  How people could judge that you are not yourself, or you are truly yourself?

How if I said that one just simply having oneself, that only self, which constantly grow, and make some progress out of the self? One is still one-self, and will be just one-self, others just ain't have all the time in the world to reveal the comprehensive self on one.