I'm healthy and I'm proud!

For years, one of my new year resolution is always not to get hospitalized at all. But it always failed. I never knew what’s the real problem with my health. Doctor never confirms anything.

Not only my physical health, my mental health was never at the best shape. I drown in depression during 2011-2012. I know I should feel happy with my life, but I didn’t.

I kept visiting the hospital again and again. I even hospitalized 4-5 times a year. Those are the worst year ever in my whole life. I couldn’t find anything good about this world.

But it didn’t mean that  most of the time I was just mourn, and musing about myself in a locked room.

I tried to do as many as activities that I could did, so I have something to pull me out of my room. I join a German language course, I voluntary teach the street children on the railway area, join a futsal club, or just simply registered myself to the nearby fitness center. Not much that I could do at that time, journalism is a time consuming activities. Even more when one is just a junior reporter.

Those were just didn’t work.

Every time I got back to bed, I cried till I can’t feel my head, and asleep with the river of tears on my pillow and my cheeks.

Though I did so many researches for the easiest way to die, I tried as hard as I could to stay alive for one more day, since I was afraid my mom couldn’t handle her life if I commit suicide. What was the problem, I don’t know.

Don’t tell me about medicine. I will have no idea how much prescription that I took during those years; it was enough to fill up my drawer.

I didn’t know whether those medicine work or not. The fact, I didn’t get any better. Vertigo kept on coming, and I still wanted to kill myself.

these dudes are not solution

And here came this morning.

I was clean up my room, and found a bunch of medicines in my drawer. That was when I realize that I never open the drawer, and I didn’t consume the medicine in it. I supposed for the whole last year!

I didn’t know what happened, but earlier last year was the time when I told myself that I should take the risk, and quit my job.

Earlier last year, was the time when I told myself to stop thinking too much, and to embrace the life. I told myself that I need to meet more new interesting people, and find a lot of new ideas, to face the biggest fears, travel, and don’t worry much about money.

I put this on the wall, and read all the points before sleep.
I traveled with new group during the Christmas-New Year holiday, and traveled more during 2013. I took the risk and go to  Tulamben to dive in USAT ship wreck site, on the work days. I even took a week leave without any fix plan to Europe, and another spontaneous trip to Koh Larn, Thailand. I did another solo travel to Lombok and Gili Trawangan for 2 weeks. Then at the end of the year, I did solo road trip to Semarang-Malang-Jogja-Bali. Which was awesome.

I met a lot of new people and new group and found people who later become best friend. I even met my (ex) boy friend among the strangers.

It was also the time when I commit not to suicide, but to do more yoga, be a vegetarian once again, and consume less sugar and salt as well.

Guess what, I was too busy enjoying life and forget about the medicine, as well as the gloom.

That was my giant leap. But I can’t share a recipe to share about overcome depression, because I don’t even know which one was really the factor to made me happy again. Also I believe each person will need a different treatment.

One thing that I know, tell yourself that you could stay alive for one more day. So at the end you could say: I’M HEALTHY AND I’M PROUD. SO PROUD!!!


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